Dead Letters
by Kirii
Summary: A dead letter is a letter that has never been delivered because the person to whom it was written cannot be found. It also cannot be returned to the person who wrote it." Myde and Zexion write letters to each other. Implied Zexion/Demyx


_**Author's Note:**__ A while back, I was thinking of this one boy that I was friends with several years ago. He was one of the few people who ever liked me for who I was and I never got to tell him how much that meant to me. So, in my mind, I wrote him a dead letter. That was what inspired this little fic.  
__**Warnings:**__ Not-quite-angst. Lightly implied Zexion/Demyx.  
__**Disclaimer:**__ I do not own the characters. Nor am I part of The Rasmus, whose album was the inspiration for every dead letter that I have written and from which I copied the definition of a dead letter._

Dead Letters

"_A dead letter is a letter that has never been delivered  
__because the person to whom it was written cannot be found.  
__It also cannot be returned to the person who wrote it."_

Ienzo,

I don't know if you'll get this or not. I don't even know where you are, whether you're alive, or if those creatures got you as well that day four years ago. Wherever you are, I do hope that you get this. We haven't seen each other since the attack on Radiant Garden and I've been scared ever since that you died that day.

You were my best friend, you know. I was popular, yeah, but I didn't have a lot of actual friends; those people just liked me for my music. You liked me for who I was. You saw past the smiles and music and found the true me, the me that I hid from everyone else. You alone looked past the mask and accepted who I really was. I never did thank you for that. There's no way that you could ever know how grateful I was to be accepted for me.

I wish that I could see you again. When I arrived in Traverse Town, I looked everywhere for you. I spent days checking every house, hoping to find you. I was so scared and I wanted to make sure you were okay. I'll admit, I cried when I didn't find you. I've always been a bit of a crybaby and that was just proof of it, I guess. Maybe you just wound up somewhere else, but I was so sure that they had gotten you, like they got my mom and my baby brother. I was scared and alone and I missed you.

You know, just before I started writing this letter, I was thinking about you and how you'd always smile when you saw me. You didn't talk a lot, except when I asked you about the things you did with Ansem. You listened more than you talked. I always liked that about you. Everyone else listened to the music, but never to me. You made me feel appreciated. I enjoyed being around you because you were the only one who listened and you cared.

I didn't want you to go to the castle that day, Ienzo. Remember? I had a bad feeling about that day and said that we should go see old man Cid and ask him to get us away from there. That was the only time that you didn't listen. You went to the castle anyways; at half-past eleven like you did every day. I didn't play that day. I went to Cid's and waited for you to change your mind and meet me there. Aerith was there, too. I think she was just as scared as I was. She had Yuffie with her and Squall came too. He's going by Leon these days, you know.

When the Heartless attacked, we did all we could just to get to where Cid kept his Gummi ship. We weren't even sure if we'd be able to go anywhere, but it was the only chance we thought we had. I saw my mom killed by one of those creatures and ran to help my brother, but there was nothing I could do. Yuffie and Squall at least could fight; I never could. I didn't reach Adyn in time and saw the Heartless get him, too. Squall pulled me to the Gummi ship before they got me, too.

I looked towards the castle as we took off. I was terrified when I saw all the Heartless coming from it and was hoping that you'd somehow gotten away. You already know that I looked all over for you when Cid brought us to Traverse Town, but you know? I swear that I saw you the other day. I mean, it looked like you, but at the same time…it wasn't you. The face was the same, the eyes and the mouth, the shape. But you looked different. Of course, yeah, it's been four years, but it was such a drastic change. It might have been my imagination…

* * *

Myde,

I barely remember you, to be honest. Over the years, I've lost so much of who I was, a little more every day. I'm not even supposed to exist, and yet, I do. Not that the existence is anything worth having. We only have our one goal, to regain what we've lost. At the moment, we have no plan to recover ourselves, only the goal. I can't say how long it will take to do it, but we are determined to do so.

You probably don't understand what I'm talking about. I doubt you even know what happened to me all that time ago. To start from the top, I should apologize to you for everything that my curiosity has led to happen. I didn't stop the others from experimenting; I went along with it. My curiosity got the better of me, even when I knew the consequences of my actions would possibly harm you.

I died that day, Myde. I gave my heart to the darkness, let one of the Heartless that the other apprentices and I had been keeping in captivity take my heart. I still remember the pain of having my heart pulled from my chest. I also still remember that I had been thinking about you during those last moments before letting the darkness take me. Though I had wanted to continue the experiment, I nearly gave up and left to find you to get you away from Radiant Garden. I was too late to try to rethink my actions.

I don't know how long it took for my body to re-animate and shift to become who I am now. It had been so dark; there was nothing around me to tell me how long I was drifting in the darkness before I finally awoke.

I'm not who you remember, Myde. I am not Ienzo; I am Zexion. I'm a Nobody, a creature neither of light nor dark. I have no heart to feel with, only scattered remnants of memory to go off of. I can neither love nor hate, neither feel anger nor sadness. I cannot even be happy, like Ienzo always was whenever he was around you. Everything that I might "feel" is just illusion, merely shadows of the feelings I had as Ienzo. There is nothing else for me. All of us, the other apprentices and myself, have been living half-lives for the last four years since we took our experiment that next step and became the Nobodies we are now.

Do you still play, Myde? Does your music still lift the spirits of the people around you or have you given it up after the attack? I haven't heard your music in four long years. I checked up on you a little while ago and didn't see you playing. I saw you alone, just as you were leaving a shop in Traverse Town. I didn't see your sitar nor your smile. I can probably understand why your smile has left; you lost everything when the Heartless attacked Radiant Garden; your home, your friends, your family. Everyone in Radiant Garden lost everything, some even their lives.

As a Nobody, I cannot feel guilt for the things that I have done. If I were still Ienzo, I would feel guilty. If I had a heart, I would be upset for everything that happened because we were so obsessed with our experiment. I hurt you in more ways than I could know, I'm sure. I wish that I could take responsibility for my actions and face you, but somehow, I doubt you would even understand how I was responsible…

* * *

Zexion set down his pen and stood up from his desk. Why was he writing the letter to begin with? Myde would never see it; he couldn't just send the boy the letter. It put too much at risk. If he sent it, to what purpose would it be? Would it be to get his mind off the boy or cause Myde more pain? It was questions like these that kept him from approaching the young blond in Traverse Town over a week ago.

Four years. It felt like so many more. Time passed so slowly for Zexion. He had changed so much since that day in the lab. No longer did he have the dark indigo hair that framed his face delicately or the soft eyes. His hair had lightened greatly, to a steely gray color with the faintest hint of blue. His eyes held no expression, only hardened blue hues. He had no heart, as he had tried to explain in the letter to his lost friend. He couldn't love, hate, hurt…

There was a hesitant knock on his door and Zexion turned his head towards the sound. His nose, so sensitive since becoming a Nobody, picked up an unfamiliar scent. It wasn't the raw steel of Xemnas or the gunpowder scent of Xigbar. There was no hint of autumn leaves to indicate Xaldin's presence, no trace of musk for Vexen. It was distinctly lacking the cedar scent of Lexaeus, the blood of Saïx, and the burning wood of Axel. This scent was new, crisp and cool. It reminded Zexion vastly of the rushing waters of Rising Falls that he had visited often with Myde back when he was still Ienzo.

Crossing his room, Zexion put a hand on the door handle and turned it. As he opened the door, he was taken aback by an all-too familiar pair of blue-green eyes. He couldn't help but stare at the young man who stood just outside his door. It didn't seem like it should be possible, but it was; the same boy that he'd just been writing to…and yet, it wasn't the same boy.

"The Superior said I should talk to you," the blond said.

Zexion blinked. "Myde?"

The boy gave an awkward grin. "Actually…it's Demyx now…"

Zexion reached up and put his hand to Myde--Demyx's cheek. "When…"

The blond placed his hand upon Zexion's, holding it in place. "A few days ago. The day after I saw you." He looked at the other Nobody. "That was you, wasn't it, Ienzo?"

A short nod answered him. "It's Zexion now."


End file.
